This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by singlesoon singlesoon 2 years, 7 months ago.

  • Author
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  • #1087
    Al.one
    al-one
    Participant

    I feel upset that people are demonizing me for having an affair. It was wrong and i feel enough shame and regret for it but i have been a good person overall and there was more to it than me just randomly going out and sabotaging my marriage. I was so unhappy and my wife constantly put me down…seriously constantly. She actually used to call me lump, thick and Humiliate me in front of friends. I actually think it was emotional abuse. The woman I had an affair with was the first person who had said something nice to me for years. She showed me some affection and then I was so deprived I could not help myself.

    I am not asking for people to give me a medal but I would like people to stop thinking that relationships are so simple as one person good and one person bad.

  • #1089
    singlesoon
    singlesoon
    Participant

    No-one’s judging you here, mate. Are you still with the woman you had the affair with?

  • #1100
    Al.one
    al-one
    Participant

    Yes but all over the place, miss my ex, even though she could be mean, she had her moments. I also don’t want to rush anything. Am I with her for the right reasons or as a way out of my marriage. I would like to be single and date. Just generally to meet people

  • #1119
    Avatar
    jenny
    Participant

    I understand what you mean al-one. Nothing is clear cut black and white. There are a thousand reasons why people have affairs. Some do it as a cry for help and other people are just selfish and do not care about hurting others. that is why it is important as a couple to sit together and understand why the affair has taken place. Sometime it can be forgiven and the relationship can get stronger. In your case Al-one, I can understand why you did it.

  • #1231
    Avatar
    glorybee
    Participant

    Hi. I am new to this site. I discovered 3 months ago that my husband had been having an affair for a year and a half. My husband told me that the reason he did it was because he was so unhappy. But I had been unhappy too. I could have looked for solace elsewhere but my solution was for us to work on our marriage, go to counselling, try and do regular date nights so we could reconnect. He paid lip service to that, lied in marriage counselling and spent a year finding fault in everything I did, showing me contempt and hacking away at my self-esteem.

    I wouldn’t say my husband was a bad person but what he did was bad. It was disrespectful and selfish, especially because he knew how hard I was trying to work on our relationship. Every time I asked him if he was having an affair he denied it. He lied repeatedly to me for 1.5 years. I feel as if I have been deprived of love and affection for years. I can’t judge you or your marriage because I wasn’t in it. But I know my husband had a choice. And he chose he lie and cheat and emotionally abuse me as a means of justifying his own actions.

  • #1259
    Al.one
    al-one
    Participant

    I definitely did something wrong. Definitely. I wish I could go back and do things differently. I am just saying that in my case, I feel I am being judged just on this action. In your case, I think you were treated extremely unfairly. Sounds like you experienced what I had but you had the affair done to you as well. In my case I have also owned up to what I have done and admitted it was totally wrong. I just think she is not whiter than white

  • #1372
    Rachel Dating Coach
    racheldatingcoach
    Participant

    What would be good is if there were somewhere people could talk openly BEFORE or DURING the affair without being judged … So many people have no support during that time and that can make it easier to fall into an affair and harder to get out of it again. So if anyone is reading this who is thinking about having an affair, get in touch and talk it through without worrying about being judged! I’ve had clients come and do that with me in my role as dating coach. It would be great if this became more acceptable!

  • #1384
    singlesoon
    singlesoon
    Participant

    It’s not black and white but lots of people seem to think it is. Not that nice a thing to do, but lots of people do things that aren’t nice and don’t get turned into social pariahs.

  • #1385
    singlesoon
    singlesoon
    Participant

    Mind you, sorry to hear about your story Glorybee. Sounds like your ex was a bit of a coward.

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